Why A Whale (alternatively called Whale of an Odyssey in some cases) is a 2013 comedy book written by Sam Lasky.
The story of Why A Whale first revolves around a particularly violent whale who, circa 2008, begins mysteriously jumping out of the water and wrecking nearby cities on the US West Coast, and then flinging itself back into the water.
A group of four friends who, finding boredom in their "middlebrow, middle-class, middle-of-nowhere lives", come together through various means and make it their goal to take down this whale (who is promptly named Nessie) to earn fame and glory; they start outside of a town named Jerkwater USA. These four men are Hans, who was the former President of Pepsi; Calvin, a prickly journalist for UpperUnctionShireBollocks; Avery, a milquetoast chef and former thief; and Jom, a seemingly deranged orthopedist. The story begins with the four men having breakfast, discussing topics such as their crazy childhoods, Jerkwater's state, ex-wives, and are on the topic of comedic past mistakes before the whale proceeds to attack again. The previous day, June 4th of 2007, the men had been prepared: now, they are helpless as the whale eventually breaks their boat into 'lemon squares' and Hans makes a decision to use Avery's sturdy body as a boat and they swim to the nearest town: Brooking, Oregon.
Meanwhile, Pizza Vampire, a famed detective-by-day and pizzeria-owner-by-night observes the men's progress on a ridge with his energetic, blonde sidekick Vizit. They both comment on the situation, and it is revealed that they also want the whale dead for different reasons: they want it stopped for justice, and it might get them the promotion they really, truly want. Taking advantage of the situation, Pizza Vampire sends a letter to the four men by no logic that makes any sense (intentionally), as they are on a beach: the letter denounces them as poachers and, for trying to murder a whale without a hunting license (which is actually true), they shall be found and promptly arrested: have a nice day! After discussion, Hans decides that they will not back down from the law: soon, they depart to Ashland, and make plans to go to Portland shortly after.
Later on, the four men rob a hospital secretly and harmlessly, stealing a considerable amount of supplies for seemingly no apparent reason. Pizza Vampire gets ahold of this case and investigates the crime scene at the hospital. After hearing from a young boy, Mojito, of all that happened, he realizes the perpetrators of this crime were the four men he had been searching for. He and Vizit suit up and are determined to solve this mystery - what would they want with a hospital? They track the four men to a chaotic, pulsing Portland.
The four men, at an unknown bar, try to devise a tactic on how to secure a hunting license secretly. After scouring through a newspaper offhandedly, Avery mentions a Salem lawyer by the name of Al Beebak. Avery, Jom, and Calvin retire, but Hans goes out to find a local club. Meanwhile, Pizza Vampire and Vizit both locate Hans and the latter sets off to find him. Using her good lucks and cunning (not to mention being a detective), she gets in easily but loses Hans in the crowd: however, she is able to snatch his Pepsi bottle. Pizza Vampire turns into a bat, grabs Vizit, and the two fly over to his pizzeria, named Wildfire Pizza: as he takes care of business, they depart to his "secret lab" down below. They are able to deduce that they came from the It'll Do Hotel's restaurant due to the scent the Pepsi bottle gave off, and they are able to subtly persuade the bartender Moreno to tell of where the four men are.
Meanwhile, the four men play a poker game, and then room service arrives: everything the four men ordered along with a pizza 'on the house'; the pizza actually contains the Sausage-Cam, equipment created by the Pizza Vampire to spy on the men and predict their next move. Finding it, Jom lies that he is a Vegan and throws away the pizza, which annoys Pizza Vampire and Vizit. Morning comes, and the four men visit Al Beebak, and find a happily corrupt, vulgar lawyer. He agrees to meet with them in his office with Silver Wolf vodka, but he at first doesn't agree to give them a hunting license until two things happen: Calvin persuades him with the promise of Warped Tour tickets and his name in the papers. Eagerly, Al Beebak gives them a legal hunting license. Afterward, Hans decides to leave for Seattle, to the enthralled reactions of his friends.
On the eighth day, Pizza Vampire and Vizit are able to track down an incisive, generous businesswoman, the corporate Mrs. Zentgraf. She is befriending and is able to find little quirks and details in things. The four men had presently visited him before, and Tommy instantly agrees to help Pizza Vampire and Vizit, finding the four men distasteful; on one occasion, if they greenlight his new business website. Traveling to the addled Seattle, Hans engineers two more attempts at stopping the whale, to no success. He and his friends decide to stay at a church after hearing that Pizza Vampire is in town (thanks to intel by Zentgraf), run by Bishop Moneybanks, a kindly, middle-aged man who appears to have Playboy mags in his room.
Pizza Vampire tries to politely ask Moneybanks where they are, but they have mysteriously left somewhere. He and Vizit search around the Church, and find that they left behind a crude drawing of a house in a field, and a needle of insulin. Through a variety of means, Pizza Vampire and Vizit both have an epiphany: they have traveled to Auburn, Washington, and are visiting Jom's father, the famed, crazy Ima Doctah, a former freelance advisor for a psychotic animation CEO named Bud Wieser, who turned into a freelance scientist in anger; and the medical supplies are there for the scientist to turn into a poison to kill Nessie. Jom and Hans both depart on their own to Doctah's lush house, while Avery and Calvin separate into downtown Auburn. Even After hearing of their plight, he originally denies to help them, but after the prodding of his sophisticated pet snake Madam Hiss (who wanted revenge on the whale for destroying Idiot Creek), he agrees to bake a concoction for his son and his friends out of the medical supplies they gave him, on the dawn of the next day. To celebrate, he and the four men go out to a local cafe.
However, Vizit walks in, poorly disguised, and Vampire (via phone) instructs Vizit to "seduce" the most vulnerable of the four men, this one being Avery; and she "seduces" him by having an argument over thrash metal. The disguise and argument work, and soon everyone walks into an ambush set up by Pizza Vampire and local policemen. A clash ensues, but then Bishop Moneybanks walks in, revealed to be a chain-smoking alcoholic wielding machine guns, to the shock of everyone. He reveals himself as a fradulent, sham Bishop and that he works for the Exclave of White Supremacists, a racist group that had been implied before but never mentioned to actually exist. Moneybanks does not mention his reasons, instead trying to mow down the now-large group, mauling a protective Ima Doctah from the waist down. In anger and revenge, Madam Hiss lunges for Bishop Moneybanks and poisons him. Pizza Vampire and Vizit hold counsel with the former's guilty conscience, the Angel being Uma Thurman and the Devil being a psychopathic, amoral Morgan Freeman. Vampire decides to simply arrest Moneybanks and let the four men deal with Ima Doctah, for now.
After an acerbic argument, Hans and Calvin both reconcile and realize their medical supplies could save Ima Doctah's life (with Jom being an orthopedist and knowing a local doctor), but that also means no sure-fire poison for the Whale. After a long night, Ima Doctah is fixed, and Madam Hiss decides to repay them by making her own, weaker potion that has a considerable chance of killing the whale.
On the fifteenth day, Avery decides that they must use what they have - Hiss's concotion, and some equipment; but not before Hans gives them all gills and sends them underwater. His wife turns out to be the metalhead Ariel, a totally different version than the Disney one, who is planning songs with Geddy Lee. Ariel is able to reveal Nessie's reasons for wrecking havoc on the West Coast towns: it is sexually frustrated. Ariel quickly devises one final plot to stop Nessie on the fifteenth day, once and for all. Days later, they travel to Aberdeen, WA, finding it abandoned.
Suddenly Calvin, Hans, and Jom are all captured by women wearing bodices and skirts: after a brief struggle, they are taken on a boat and Avery is presumed dead, much to the shock of the three men. They are taken to what seems to be an oil rig off a highly inhabited island: the main headquarters of the Exclave of White Supremacists, who have taken the entire village of Aberdeen hostage. The gleefully deranged leader, Ron Clark, takes them all prisoner, including Pizza Vampire, who witnessed the tussle and attempted to storm the offshore base. He announces that he has also captured Nessie, and that his Exclave intends to use the whale to attack foreign countries so America can reign supreme at last. In punishment for trying to kill the whale, he gives them all the worst torture of all: to be the Exclave's official foreign ambassadors.
Meanwhile, Madam Hiss, having been at the site, enlists the help of Vizit, who has just returned from the Ten Seasons. After investigating where the four men were attacked, AND the nearby village, she finds out that everyone had been captured by the Exclave; this is confirmed by Avery, who is not dead. She instigates a manhunt across Seattle, hoping to find members of the Exclave. Finding nobody, Vizit realizes she has to 'interrogate' the Bishop Moneybanks; she does so by threatening him to sit through sixty-nine hours of foreign lectures. After screaming loudly, he confesses where the Exclave's island is, and Vizit and Avery both hire a guilty Zentgraf and Ariel to assist them in the rescue mission. Zentgraf poses as a fiber-optic sales rep to distract various soldiers, while Ariel decides to untie Nessie: who, in its anger, will "most likely" destroy the island with its weight. Vizit and Avery infiltrate the base, with the help of Ariel, and are reunited with Hans, Calvin, Jom, and the Pizza Vampire. Soon enough, the Whale is let loose and begins ravaging the island.
Ron Clark suddenly appears and shoots Vizit, also throwing Pizza Vampire into the ocean. The four men are able to escape and get onto the Zodiacs, feeling guilt-ridden for the two detectives' deaths but nonetheless determined to stop Nessie before the Exclave got it. A chase begins, and once Jom is close, he bravely sacrifices himself by chucking his body into Nessie's open mouth, therefore tossing Hiss's poison into its guts. He turns out to be extremely alive, and Nessie stops, the poison seeming to take effect. Suddenly, the Exclave swarms the beach and Ron Clark is determined to carry out the 'Eternal Foreign Ambassador Punishment'.
However, a very much alive Pizza Vampire and Vizit come back and arrest Ron Clark, backed by a large mob of angry civilians: the village of Aberdeen. Pizza Vampire decides to let the four men go, scot-free, and the duo of Hans and Al Beebak, after the trials of the Exclave remnants, to send the Whale into Seaworld, thus releasing its sexual tension. Everyone gets exactly what they wanted, other than Ron Clark and Bishop Moneybanks, sentenced to four hundred straight years of community service for Russia.
Very Brief SypnosisEdit
A whale named Nessie is frustrated and starts destroying towns on the West Coast. Four discrete men (Hans, Avery, Calvin, and Jom) dedicate their summer to killing Nessie. Meanwhile, there are two detectives (Pizza Vampire and Vizit) who also want Nessie dead for other significant reasons, and the two detectives chase them across Northwest America to make sure the four men will not trouble their own hunt.
In the dark, there is a secret third organization who wants Nessie for their own purposes, and their arcane leader sends out various, undercover agents to spy on these four men and detectives. A very heartwarming tale of morality and friendship and the pleasures of LSD.