Vital statistics
Position Detective
Age 26
Status 'Leftenant' Detective
Physical attributes
Height 5'8
Weight 135 lbs

Vizit (pronounced veh-zeet) is the secondary antagonist of Why A Whale, a 'leftenant' detective to Pizza Vampire.

Background / AppearanceEdit

Like the Pizza Vampire, Vizit has her own files. She was reportedly born in Orlando, Florida in 1981, and took a degree in Criminal Justice at Greasy Corner University come 2005, both by dint of savings, her good lucks, wit, and her parents giving her the occasional fund through the Russian Mafia's down payment system. After an incident in 1995 that involved her Achilles tendon getting hurt, she met the Pizza Vampire in the hospital cafeteria: after discussing over a few weeks, they checked out of the hospital despite the shouting of the annoyed doctors. The two became partners-in-criminal-justice from there on. She reportedly has no political affiliations, subscribes to underground newspapers, and plays Washtub bass.

"Man, dude. You won't believe what I saw - a woman of pure wan beauty, her breasts of perfect proportions, her hair clean and perfect, who appeared seductive and spunky at the same time... man, I'm lonely, Jake."
"Where are you going with this conversation, Connor?"
- Two club owners about Vizit

Vizit is portrayed as a classically pretty woman. Vizit has sun-warmed, saffron blonde hair that trails all the way down to her waist, described (when her hair is straight, as she changes her hairstyle consistently) as a fan of shallow creases; a narrow nose, a built yet slender body (due to doing track in high school, she reports), Caucasian, and is reportedly 5'8 in height. She seems to possess many outfits than her usual policewoman attire; she adorns bodices, dresses, shirts and jeans, lab coats, suits, and a variety of other things. Vizit has blue eyes, and is seemingly thin (due to her genetic makeup) despite being perfectly fine.


Vizit is very plucky, marked by an excess of vitality and energy. Like Pizza Vampire, she is tricky, fairly wicked, and relies on her intellect, but she is less devious and a bit more pragmatic, understanding that sometimes (but only in doses) that a direct approach has to be taken. She is comically eccentric, having a penchant for witty remarks, fun-loving statements, and just enough smugness that she comes across as, simultaneously, a woman who would unfairly arrest four men, but is still an awfully good person. Like Pizza Vampire, she is smart, able to make her own deductions based on evidence, and is also independent, as shown when she jumps to rescue Pizza Vampire and the four men from the clutches of the Exclave. Vizit seems to genuinely and passionately enjoy being a detective, because she loves people and loves mystery, and is less antagonistic than Pizza Vampire can be. She appears to be a workaholic, however, and this can make her prickly: under conditions of over-working herself, she expresses a full gamut of emotions, without once compromising her bright personality.

Vizit seems to love books and children, for she takes books to dinner at two points in the book and acts tenderly towards the young Mojito.

Role in the BookEdit

Vizit is first seen closely examining Hans, Avery, Calvin, and Jom's movements near the shores of Jerkwater USA (which is near Crescent City, CA), with her partner, Detective Pizza Vampire. When Nessie begins to destroy Jerkwater entirely, they are forced to hide behind an elevated knoll and they calmly watch the four men swim off towards Oregon. She proceeds to make sassy comments on the situation, and the two throw around plans on how to capture them: they are all overly complex and absurd, until Pizza Vampire simply decides to arrest them for 'poaching'. Liking this, Vizit helps craft the letter and departs as Pizza Vampire turns into a bat and flies to where the men are, returning to Salem, Oregon: her post.

She returns in Pizza Vampire's office, finishing an absurd narcotics case: at the point where she seals a letter, a young girl named Mojito comes in and presents a case; Vizit takes an instant liking to the child, acting affectionately towards her despite the both of them not being interested in the case. After hearing more, Vizit is able to convince Pizza Vampire into at least trying it: after investigating, they find something most interesting - a hospital has had a considerable amount of supplies stolen, ones that are incapable of selling due to their legal status outside of hospitals. Although unenthusiastic at first, she perks up once Vampire mentions that the four men had stolen them, and it could be a chance to stop the whale. The two track them to Portland, where Vizit is sent to find Hans as he walks into a club. Getting past using her cunning and good looks (nothing to mention shapely figure and her presence as a detective), she keeps track of Hans for a minute, but in the chaos, loses him.

However, she is able to find his left-behind Pepsi cup, and despite her desire to party in Portland, takes it back to Pizza Vampire, who then turns into a bat and carries her to his pizzeria. They return to his secret lab down below, talk about the day, and then deduce that Hans and the rest are at the It'll Do Hotel based on the fact that the cup gave off a fairly sweet smell, and Vizit recognized it as paint remover. Pizza Vampire goes to talk to Elijah the Bartender, and she begins an off-page discussion with the self-deprecating Emily the Trivia Host, and Vizit is able to cheer up the latter's night; after Pizza Vampire finishes his affairs, she is finally released to go spend the night in Portland.

Later, in Seattle, Vizit is shown with Pizza Vampire, both in suits, and track down a businessman named Austin; based on Vizit's comments, it is implied that they have both been scouring through wine cellars based on a wrong deduction. They talk with him and find him to be befriending and kindly, but rank with OCD. Nevertheless, he agrees to help them and they find them to be in a Bishop's church. Vizit sets herself up on the roof with a sniper rifle (it is implied at first she will kill them, but it's actually just to spy on them) and identifies Austin's words as truth. They "invade" Bishop Moneybanks's Church the next day, and despite the fact that they could not arrest them, they find them gone anyways.

However, Vizit finds a leftover insulin needle, and a crude drawing of a house. Pizza Vampire flies all the way back to the pizzeria, and after a while are shown furiously trying to scrap together what they both mean: the insulin needle makes sense, but not the house. In the drawing, there is a house, a flower garden, and evergreen trees. After storming back and forth, Pizza Vampire leaves the room to the pizzeria above; minutes later, he comes bouncing back, identifying the drawn plant as Mirabilis jalapa, or the four o' clock flower, based on how Isaac had drawn it and because it reminded him of his chaotic childhood. He continues to explain, but Vizit picks up excitedly: four o' clock grows well in Auburn, Washington. She pushes Pizza Vampire aside and does research - the house belongs to Freelance Scientist Ima Doctah, Jom's father.

Pizza Vampire figures out that all the medical supplies were being brought to Ima Doctah for something "sinister". After gleefully celebrating, they make a plan to depart that night and confront them. Vizit is sent alone to "seduce" one of the four men in a local cafe that they, Ima Doctah, and his pet snake Madam Hiss have gone to a local cafe: she 'seduces' Avery by having a big discussion about thrash metal, poorly disguised. Nevertheless, they exit the restaurant, where she delightfully leads them into an ambush set up by Pizza Vampire, who had left to find local policemen.

A clash ensues, with Vizit choosing Jom as her rival, but they are suddenly broken up by a deranged Bishop Moneybanks, acting impulsively; wielding powerful machine guns and announcing that he is a member of the Exclave of White Supremacists, and is not a genuine Bishop. The four men, Pizza Vampire, Vizit all agree: they need to do something. Suddenly, Ima Doctah unleashes a vial and throws it in the Bishop's face, which makes him curse and violently shoots Ima Doctah. This is enough for the four men and policemen to swarm and attack, while Pizza Vampire and Vizit stand totally shocked. Eventually, Madam Hiss bites the Bishop, and then Pizza Vampire and Vizit have a discussion with the former's guilty conscience; they decide to simply arrest the Bishop and the let the four men deal with Ima Doctah, for now.

Vizit uses her vacation time to go to the Ten Seasons. She returns having enjoyed herself immensely. While in her kitchen and enjoying her last vacation day, but leaps away once she finds Madam Hiss in the house. She clamps the can of Fresca on Madam Hiss's throat, and before she can grab the knife, Hiss is able to choke out a sophisticated reply. Calmed down, Vizit learns from Madam Hiss that three of the four men and Pizza Vampire were captured by the Exclave, and that nobody else may be able to help, as Hiss presumes Avery dead. After a moment of reflection, Vizit snarls (the first time she has shown serious outward anger) and illogically changes into her police outfit.

While walking to work, she and Hiss finds Avery and enlists his trust and help, and the three of them instigate a manhunt for members of the Exclave. After finding none, Vizit calmly decides to get information out of Bishop Moneybanks, who had before announced being a part of the Exclave. At first, the interrogation leads nowhere, with Moneybanks acting impulsively, but it is only when Vizit threatens to sentence the lily white Moneybanks to watching 72 straight hours of Spanish lectures, he breaks and announces where the Exclave's location is and how to get to it. Politely thanking him, she, Avery, and Hiss set off for the Exclave's Island, along with a guilt-stricken Austin, who offers to pose as a fiber-optic sales rep as a distraction.

Avery and Vizit get to the second, smaller island where the imposing base is located, thanks to enlisting the help of Hans's wife, Ariel, who offers to release the whale, who has promptly been captured by the Exclave as well. Through a variety of means, Vizit and Avery are able to free the five captured men while the Whale ravages the nearby islands. However, Vizit is shot by an angry Ron Clark, and Pizza Vampire thrown into the ocean. Though the four men try to rescue them, they are presumed dead, and a two-way chase begins between the Exclave and the four men, with the four men successfully stopping the whale, despite it still being alive.

Vizit and Pizza Vampire turn out to be very much alive, and in their fury are able to order the policemen she had hired for the manhunt earlier to arrest the remnants of the Exclave: complete with a helicopter armed by Al Beebak. The four men and the two detectives reconcile, and Vizit and Pizza Vampire both get the promotion and perpetual respect they wanted for so long.

Relationships with Other CharactersEdit

  • Hans - Vizit does not have very many interactions with Hans (or for that manner, any of the four men) until the last two-thirds of the story, but she does view him as a capable leader, at best, and makes positive comments about his voice and jaw muscles, taste, and abilities.
  • Calvin - She calls him an "uncompromising prick", and that's what she loved about him: how he was able to deal with the complex and simple easily, despite being sardonic. After the story ends, she seems to be on really good terms with him.
  • Jom - Albeit somewhat friendly towards him, out of the four men, Vizit interacts with Jom the least. However, she admires his self-awareness, how he is able to be deranged and juggle being completely normal.
  • Avery - She is perhaps the closest with Avery, and views him as a genuine friend even before the climax. She finds his reluctance and timorous personality both amusing and endearing, and the two seem to share a mutual appreciation for thrash metal and "beer-pounding anthems". She is completely willing to fight against him and also work with him.
  • Pizza Vampire - Pizza Vampire is her constant companion throughout the story, being detectives, and as a result are very close friends. They seem to be intellectual equals and share various inside jokes, help eachother out where the other falls. However, Vizit sometimes finds Pizza Vampire a bit impractical, whereas Pizza Vampire finds her a bit too practical, and they have a tendency to disagree on minor things, but not major ones. Vizit risks everything to save him and the four men at the end.
  • Zentgraf the Businesswoman - While Pizza Vampire had more contact with Zentgraf than Vizit does, the two have a mutual friendship and alliance, Vizit finding Zentgraf's comments incisive and helpful.


  • It is subtly implied that Vizit is bisexual (or downright lesbian), in various comments that she makes over the course of the story, such as "one day a girl's gonna sweep this bachelorette off her feet", but she never outright states it, whether out of fear or out of plain indifference.
  • She seems to love European food or American spinoffs of European dishes, such as gyros.
  • Sam Lasky quotes her as his personal favorite character.
  • Vizit implies that she is a sorceress and that she has an entire lab in her split-level house's basement, and thoguh she could have been joking, she seemed quite serious.
  • Vizit has made tentative plans to kill Wildfire Pizza's mascot, Ratchet the Peg-Legged Pizza Boy, finding him completely unnerving.
  • Vizit says she is part Avar, because of her "first removed cousin's sister's mother".

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