Ron Clark is the current President and founder of the arcane Exclave, whos mission in life is to destroy all foreigners.


Ron Clark's story is grim and tragic. He was born in Huntsville, Texas to a meterologist and a cowgirl (who, ironically, was smarter than his father). At nineteen, he accepted a graduate fellowship at Stony Brook for political science, originally just a bachelor's. However, one day while he was working on an essay called "Canadian Democracy: A Primer", when he began sporadically choking on a pencil. His roommate used the Heimlich Manuever, and Ron Clark deduced that the pencil was a foreign pencil, because it said 'made in China'; and that it was an elaborately orchestrated assassination attempt on him.

Feeling bad and remembering what the Communists did, Ron Clark strived for a PhD in political science, and found many other people who shared his ideology, and soon the Exclave was formed out of five passionate, confident men, and from there it grew.


As befits his persona and group's motif, Ron Clark is racist, socially ignorant, mischevious, and wicked, but all in a gleeful way. He is friendly, but only to his associates in the Exclave,  and despite having a very wicked mind, he has a genuine inability to cause harm or appear evil, despite presenting a dangerous threat on the world. He is ruthless, as shown by his crusade to capture and use Nessie at any costs: he is obviously a sociopath, but does not appear to be fully aware of this, leaving one to believe his sanity is a little off (like Jom).

However, unlike Bishop Moneybanks, he is not impulsive and takes his time: furthermore, he does not seem to want genocide, but simply wants to turn all the foreign countries into new Americas to relive the 'American Dream'.


Ron Clark does not appear until a good two-thirds into the story, though his Exclave's power and influence is subtly clear in various propaganda and his many agents, especially in the form of Bishop Moneybanks. After Moneybanks's capture before the climax, it is revealed that Ron Clark had been watching the fight from an elevated position above the trees, with a night-scoped sniper. After Moneybank's prompt imprisonment, Ron Clark descends from his position, irritated, and then finds his way towards a car that his Exclave members parked in the woods, away from the main road: Clark states that Moneybanks is no longer on board with the plan, and that it was time to act.

On the day the four men decide to make their final stand against Nessie on a Washington coast, Ron Clark attacks suddenly, his men wandering out of the trees nearby and a tussle begins: however, Clark's men have the advantage, and then he begins boasting to the four men from afar, stating that it was the "Exclave's moment". He strikes a solitary figure, Avery, with his gun, and the chef is presumed by the four men, who attempt to kill Clark in revenge. He is able to put them onto his boat and announces to them that Nessie had been captured, and that the four men's punishment, "nay, the world's punishment", would be on the horizon. In addition, it is shown that he captured the entire village of Aberdeen, WA (a fictionalized version much like Portland) so there would be no witnesses. takes them to an isolated, highly inhabitated island that belongs to the Exclave, and from thence to the Exclave's underwater base.

It is here that Clark finally tells about himself, and the Exclave's goals. He tells the four men of his plans to use the whale's unpredictable anger and power, and use that to kill "sub-humans", or foreigners. Clark intends to create a golden age, and in order to do so, he believes that all foreigners should be removed. He continues on about himself and the Exclave over Calvin, Jom, and Hans's comments, explaining who they were and what they stood for: to craft a perfect world. After a speech, he takes the men to a very loose prison cell, which, as the four men learn to their surprise, is where Detective Pizza Vampire is also being held. He briefly mocks the detective's efforts to stop him, and then leaves with a harsh and jangling punishment - that once the Exclave's operation would be successful, they would become their new 'foreign ambassadors', to spread the Exclave's benign influence. Afterwards, he ascends the steps to the main barracks of the base and prepares to make a speech as his plan is finally instigated.

Just as Clark is making a tremendously racist and triumphant speech to the Exclave on the large dock, Vampire's leftenant Vizit and an extremely alive Avery come into view, denouncing Clark, and revealing that they had released the four men and Pizza Vampire, and that Ariel had just let Nessie loose. As Clark's cheeks literally shrink in fear, Nessie ascends from the water and begins crushing the beach of the Exclave's island. Enraged, Clark unholsters a revolver and delightfully shoots Vizit and throws Pizza Vampire seemingly fatally into the water. The four men, meaning to avenge the two, jump into a Zodiac to kill Nessie.

A chase ensues between Clark and his Exclave's remnants and the four men, Clark intending to obliterate them and make the 'foreign ambassador' punishment even harsher by upping it to the 'eternal foreign ambassador' punishment. Clark, having lost most of his Exclave and being cut off from the rest, comes to shore, and this time it is implied that he would rather just kill them (as he has a loaded weapon, whereas the four men have nothing left). After exchanging bitter words, before he can make a move, Clark hears a yell, and it is revealed that the citizens of Aberdeen, WA, freed by the four men, have gathered and outnumber Clark, and that Pizza Vampire and Vizit are both alive.

The detectives arrest Clark, and after the trials of the Exclave, he is sentenced to four hundred years of Russian community service reunited with Bishop Moneybanks, who proceeds to yell at him for being an incompetent leader: it is implied that Clark kills him too.


  • Clark had a four-part plan: capture the four men and Nessie, kidnap the entire population of Aberdeen, sail to nearby Russia to begin his plan, and then unleash Nessie onto the Coast.
  • In dialogue, Clark says that he has an affinity for all American bands.
  • Ironically, he smokes European cigarettes.
  • Clark has a lust for Maureen O'Hara, whom he considers the most beautiful woman in the world after watching the 1939 Hunchback of Notre Dame. He promises himself that one day he would be her mate, seemingly ignorant of the fact that the actress is dead.
  • His favorite food is apple pie, his favorite sport is baseball, his favorite color is white, he supported John McCain because he was white even though he was not Republican, and Clark's ideal woman is a white woman with sexy white hair, hair that wasn't whitened from age, and his favorite wine is white despite having disdain for fish.

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