Pizza "Cristian Mihai" Vampire is the secondary antagonist (at first, primary) of Why A Whale, and is a famed detective.

Appearance and BackstoryEdit

Pizza Vampire (originally named Cristian Mihai, he abandoned his name and adopted the unique 'Pizza Vampire') was conceived from a cocaine-riddled Sherlock Holmes and his mother, a Romanian vampiress chef named Irena Mihai, in 1976. In the womb, he inherited his father's human traits and parts of his mother's vampire traits, and as a result, he does not sleep and has no weakness to the sun, but needs to drink blood (which he resolves by drinking Diet Blood(c) daily). It was always his dream to become a perfect pizzeria owner, and opened a St. Louis-style pizzeria named Wildfire Pizza. It is implied he is in close rivalry with Cecil Whittaker's and Emo's, but he actually has "barbeque poker" with them and his companion, Vizit, once a month or so.

Apparently, his genuine passion (much like Vizit) was genetically inherited by his father Sherlock, and while he studied to be a chef, he also took on training in Criminal Justice. He met Vizit while staying at a hospital for devouring garlic, and they forged a close friendship because of their genuine passion of stopping violent criminals and varmints. Ever since then, they have been close companions.

Pizza Vampire was made by Lasky to be handsome and clearly "vampirian". He has close-cropped, rigid black hair and narrow, slanted eyes, as well as a faint moustache. Pizza Vampire is tall and thin, as with most Vampire stereotypes, though he has "the body of a strong human man compressed under his suit vest". He possesses fangs and has the ability to turn into a slender, high-pitched bat, which allows him to fly rapidly to his pizzeria at night: he wears his chef's coat under his police armor.


"I laugh at him because I pity him; I pity him because he reminds me of all of us who think that just being talented and smart actually gets you anywhere in life."
- Bishop Moneybanks about Pizza Vampire.
"What can I say? Half of the policemen I know aren't half as convincing or appealing as this wise-ass."
- Vizit.

Hans describes Pizza Vampire as a 'tough cookie' to figure out, somebody who keeps a serious face but would much rather tell a joke. Pizza Vampire is the antagonist to the four men and is fairly wicked, despite having a functioning moral compass in the form of Uma Thurman as the Angel and Morgan Freeman as the Devil. He tends to be devious and tenacious, and will not stop at any costs to stop who he considers villains, whether that is right or not. Pizza Vampire can also be opportunistic, though never impulsive, and keeps his temper to a minimum.

However, Pizza Vampire is also comically eccentric, prone to giddy bursts of enthusiasm and spinning weird anecdotes. Like Vizit, he genuinely and passionately adores being a detective, and cares about the state of America like a detective should. He is also a genius, much like Vizit and Sherlock Holmes, able to come up with many statements and conclusions that tend to be right, but not always. Despite his bravery, he seems to be very anxious and fearful about things, and appears to be sympathetic even towards his enemies.

Role in Why A WhaleEdit

Pizza Vampire is introduced during the nervy, opening action in Jerkwater USA: Hans, Avery, Calvin, and Jom have failed to stop Nessie from destroying Jerkwater (though they successfully emigrated its inhabitants to nearby Assclown County), and under the cover of the before-dawn darkness, he and Vizit hide before Nessie goes away. Reeling in shock as Vizit makes comments at the situation, he reviews the data. Pizza Vampire wants Nessie dead both for justice, and also because he can earn a promotion, much like Vizit. The two throw around amusing and complex schemes on how to capture the men, but Vizit narrows it down to the easiest solution: arrest them for poaching (which, is partially true). Vizit writes a letter, and then Pizza Vampire turns into a bat: in this form, he can fly far and fast for long periods of time. He takes the letter and drops it off to the four men, who are near the shores of Northwest Oregon, and then flies away, not watching the men's reactions.

Pizza Vampire returns in his office, and at the moment, he is researching "Orientalist Drugs" for an upcoming case. He and Vizit are visited by a clever, young hospital patient named Mojito. She attempts to explain about a hospital robbery, and while Pizza Vampire is fair towards the child, he simply isn't interested in a robbery case. Nevertheless, Vizit convinces him to go, and as he continues to inspect the scene (meanwhile trying to avoid all the sick patients), as he checks the hospital's vault, this is where he finds something: a considerable amount of supplies have been stolen, but none of them are even legal to sell. Mojito explains that he, being small, was able to follow the robbers until they got to the vault. His interest piqued, Mojito explains that he saw about "three or four men, all smelling like they'd been at sea"; at these two clauses, Pizza Vampire rounds enthusiastically on the child and questions him into near-oblivion, but in the end gets the answer he wanted: it is indeed the four men, who had evaded the law's grasp.

They find their way into Downtown Portland, where the four men had apparently taken a bus to, according to fellow policemen. Vizit is practically dying to spend the night in Portland (seeing as though she should technically be off of work, having done detective work for a bloody long time), but Pizza Vampire rebukes her and explains this is a 'on our own time and on our own dime' case; justice will literally be swift. And while it takes them a while, Pizza Vampire finds Hans walking towards a club, after setting up a camera on a roof. He boasts triumphantly, and then commands Vizit into action, to find and arrest him: because surely his three friends would follow suit.

Unfortunately, Vizit loses Hans in the crowd, but is able to pick up a decent piece of evidence - his Pepsi bottle. Pizza Vampire proceeds to turn himself into a bat, lets Vizit grab on, and the two fly rapidly to his pizzeria, Wildfire Pizza. After greeting his employees, he descends into the pizzeria's "secret lab" (in fact, every employee knows about it), and he and Vizit attempt to figure out what to achieve from the Pepsi bottle. Pizza Vampire tries the chemistry set, but after an anecdote about his days in 'Romanian Hell School', he notes that the bottle has a moderately sweet smell. After Vizit snatches it from his hands, she figures out that the scent the bottle wafts off is none other than Dichloromethane, a chemical that Vizit recognizes as the scent to a paint stripper. Pizza Vampire picks up on her and realizes that, recently, the It'll Do Hotel had redecorated. After high-fiving, they take one final trip to the It'll Do Hotel.

A wan Vizit decides to head to the It'll Do's bar, where Elijah the Bartender and Emily the Trivia Host reside. Pizza Vampire takes over, coolly talking to Elijah about the whereabouts of the four men (even making snarky, inside joke comments about how great the redecoration looks). At first the stammering Elijah declines, but the Pizza Vampire is able to subtly threaten Elijah into telling them the room number, the latter of which is intelligent enough to know that if he goes against the law, he will be punished. After letting Vizit go for the night, Pizza Vampire makes a note to visit the room tomorrow, but just to make doubly sure he knows that Elijah hadn't lied, he calmly knocks out a Room Service man and, in a pizza, installs the 'Sausage Cam', a piece of equipment Pizza Vampire made in the secret lab to spy on the four men.

He learns, to his annoyance, that he had, in fact, delivered the Pizza to Room 502 instead of 507, because Elijah's handwriting made it look like a two.


"Mamma Mia, I believe-a we're in business."
-Pizza Vampire to Austin the Businessman

Several days later, we find Pizza Vampire in Seattle, Washington, with Vizit to find a well-known businessman by the name of Austin Hoseph, and his prospects appear to work. When greeted, Austin is immediately charming to Pizza Vampire and Vizit. After pressing, the businessman does admit that he knows the four men came to Seattle; unfortunately for all, they have taken refuge in a Church, run by a certain Bishop Moneybanks. Austin agrees to help the detective for the time being, but only after he agrees to legally give him an under-the-table contract for his new website and individual store (Ghetto Cyrogenics, Inc.) and if he legalizes an aesthetically dubious company to pick up where Mattel left off, and make toys such as: Easy Bake Meth Lab, Hoarder Ken Doll, and Monopoly (Occupy Version).

Pizza Vampire leaves and immediately departs, commenting that this Moneybanks sounded like a shady fellow. He is able to find the Church after asking a deranged hobo, and is surprised to find a kindly, decent man; after asking to see the four men, Moneybanks states that he is lodging them, but refuses to submit them for poaching. In his first case of ill-temperedness, Pizza Vampire calmly states that if the Bishop refuses, he would "beat him senseless with a sack of righteous indignation faster than he could say Fatty Arbuckle or The First Amendment". Eventually, he backs off with no 'First Amendments' choked out, and assigns Austin to keep a video cam on top of the roof of his office, facing the Church. To Austin's total shock, the cam had been mysteriously shot, and the four men were able to sneak out of Seattle. The two of them and Vizit head to the Church, ignoring Moneybanks, and even Pizza Vampire finds it shocking as to how briskly Austin finds decent evidence: an empty insulin needle, and a drawing of a house surrounded by plants and evergreen trees.

Vizit and Pizza Vampire return to the pizzeria without Austin, and rapidly try to make deductions based on the drawing, because the insulin needle is trivial, considering that the four men had previously robbed a hospital's vault. Once everything they try fails, Pizza Vampire storms out of the room, not angry but certainly not happy. He stares at the drawing in the face and remembers that the flowers are in the shape of a Mirabilis jalapa, or the four o' clock flower. He stated, faux-tearfully, that it reminded him of a time when his mother would cook barbeque, quoting her as the Queen of Barbeque, "with the sacred fork in one hand and the holy spatula in the other, breathing life into the most sullen pile of charcoal", and then his father would become angry with the 'lowbrow' state of their dinner and throw that very flower on the barbeque pit, which led to violent arguments between the two.

Despite his findings, he cannot make anything out of it, until Vizit excitedly says that the four o' clock grows very well in Auburn, Washington; after a search on the Internet satellites, she finds out that it is the house of famed freelance scientist Ima Doctah, actually Jom's father, and the two both have an epiphany: the medical supplies were being taken to Ima Doctah for an arcane purpose. Immensely pleased with Vizit's findings, Pizza Vampire orders her to Auburn, to "seduce" one of the four men, while he departs to make an impromptu team of four policemen to fight and arrest the four men at last.

It is on the threshold of a forest, under the cover of the evening sky, that the four men and Pizza Vampire have their first confrontation. He exchanges triumphant, smug dialogue with the four men, in particular Hans, and orders them to finally stand down. Sourly denying, a silly battle ensues, with Pizza Vampire choosing Hans as his target. After a time, Pizza Vampire is about to strike again, but he hears an audible shout and a rattling, unnerving shot. He turns and is completely dumbfounded to find a snarling, smirking Bishop Moneybanks.

Given that one of his men is knocked out and he is instructed to not carry a weapon, the four men, Ima Doctah, Madam Hiss, and Pizza Vampire's people are helpless when Bishop Moneybanks dual wields machine guns. He announces that he is a member of the Exclave of White Supremacists, a name vaguely familiar to Pizza Vampire. Hans begins whispering to Pizza Vampire, apparently dropping the hostile nature to eachother, about the weirdness of the situation. Just as Moneybanks is about to make a phone call, Ima Doctah throws a vial of Sodium Chloride into Moneybanks's face, who impulsively opens fire on Ima Doctah. After a clash between Moneybanks and the four men plus Madam Hiss, Pizza Vampire has an odd discussion with his guilty conscience, the angel being Uma Thurman, the devil being Morgan Freeman. While Morgan Freeman attempts to tell Pizza Vampire to use the forest nearby and light it on fire, his voice is so soothing Freeman's threat is compromised, and Vampire ends up to just arrest the Bishop and let the four men go, for now.

Near the ClimaxEdit

Pizza Vampire angrily brings Moneybanks to a cell, turning his fury on him for being totally composed of lies. After depositing him in a cell, he allows Vizit to take her vacation time to go to the Ten Seasons, which she eagerly accepts and departs for immediately. With his chase against the four men in jeopardy and Ima Doctah paralyzed from the waist down, Vampire has had enough: looking for a place to vent, he finds Austin the Businessman, who has a half-hearted conversation with the detective, unsure of how to help him.

Staying true to his promise, Pizza Vampire waits until the four men make their final stand against Nessie (in the village of Aberdeen), and walks up to the nearby beach and is shocked to find it totally empty. However, it is revealed that Hans, Jom, and Calvin have been taken by the Exclave (as well as the entire population of Aberdeen), and Pizza Vampire is also taken captive and brought to their underwater base. He greets the three men in a deadpan manner, realizing that Avery is seemingly dead. The leader, Ron Clark, introduces himself and announces his plans: to use the captured Nessie to attack all of the foreign countries in hopes of making the 'American Dream' re-emerge: as punishment for interfering with 'his' whale, Ron Clark sentences his four prisoners to the greatest punishment of all - to be the Exclave's offical foreign ambassadors. Pizza Vampire is assigned to be the ambassador to France, or what will be left of France once it is in the Exclave's hands.

Feeling it is truly over, Pizza Vampire is thrown into a cell with the three men and they reconcile their differences. His guilty conscience taunts him for a while, and he then allows Jom to kill Morgan Freeman by slapping the amoral Devil.

Miraculously, they are saved by Vizit, Ariel, and an extremely alive Avery. Before Pizza Vampire can escape, Ron Clark shows up and shoots Vizit and then proceeds to take a flailing Pizza Vampire and throws him out of the side of the base, sucked up by the water pressure, dead.

But not dead! Pizza Vampire and Vizit both come back and arrest all of the Exclave with the assistance of the freed villagers of Aberdeen, and then they are the only ones left with the four men. They find out that Isaac had thrown a concoction that Madam Hiss had made into the Whale's mouth, and that the Whale was getting weak from it. However, Ariel comes up to the surface, and makes an obvious plan - send the Whale to Seaworld. Pizza Vampire considers this an excellent idea to solve the Whale's sexual frustration. In the end, Pizza Vampire gets a promotion and he lets the four men off scot-free, apparently on terrific terms.

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