"I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I really wanted was paychecks."

- Calvin about his original pursuit for a film degree

Calvin Fulghum S. Levine Coberly The Second is a journalist from UpperUnctionShireBollocks, and one of the four men, therefore making him a main protagonist.

Backstory / Physical AttributesEdit

Calvin was born in Cherry Creek, Denver, Colorado, to a bitchy former FBI agent (dad), and a wistful family-style restaurant owner (mom). However, he was raised by "about thirty hands" (a reference to Firefly) in a large, very dysfunctional family, all of whom are unable to stand each other, and Calvin was raised in a sea of stupidity and deranged people. He went to High School and worked his hardest, finding History and English to be his favorite, and shared a mutual, friendly antagonism with Carl Vi, and a mutual attraction with Alyssa Vi, his sister (whom he later married).

After finishing high school, he ran “harder than frozen ice that just melted into plain steel” to Low and Brow University, and spent his free time on an online blog, writing essays here and rants there, all the while trying for a film degree. However, a representative from UpperUnctionShireBollocks e-mailed Calvin and was reportedly impressed by his online comedy story, ‘Out Of The Planet Of Satan’, which involved a full-scale war of Canada and America in different hemispheres of nine different worlds; furthermore, she was a fan of his essays, and requested that he join them. He did so while working for a Bachelor in Journalism, and found a good career in UpperUnctionShireBollocks. He met Hans while doing an article on Canadian Animation, and the two became close friends; he got introduced to Avery and Jom after Hans took them all to a “karaoke pizza bar and vegetarian gyro shop”: they became inseperable friends after that. His marriage with Alyssa is happy but strained.


“Some think he’s a douche, but not the ones who know him: for me, I have been suckered into believing he is a cartoonish, evil genius.”'
- Pizza Vampire 

Calvin is very prickly, and it is the predominant personality trait. Hans believes that every once in a while he will “revel in a universe of unmatched douchebaggery”, as he is prone to mid-length rants and invective. It is reported that Calvin worked with Jom on an entire list of 'Things I Will Do During My Evil Regime', so it is implied he is power-hungry. However, despite this, Calvin is very genuinely caring for his friends' safety, and is notorious for being a suave dealer and talker, for he suckers Al Beebak into successfully giving them a license, and gets a lot of the four men's supplies from sweet-talking others. Calvin is roughly the 'workaholic' of the group (though the character admits he cannot swear to this last), as he is always looking for contacts to call, places to lodge, to eat at, and businesses they can trust. 

Calvin will exude a sense of humor, and it juggles between sardonic and cheerful.

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